two hundred

I tried searching for a really cute header image but no bueno.

Do you know what 200 stands for? Thats right. Today marks day 200 of writing everyday!!!  Yippeee!! I’ve had a few publishing errors with WordPress not sending things out and posts getting caught in local settings and not being fully public – but to reach day 200 is pretty darn cool. I remember wondering what to write about, how to structure the blog, fearful of who would read, who would follow – yet since committing to writing to and for myself, I let go of the pressure and the insecurities.

Yesterday I mentioned this book that I am reading. Its called Fervent and today (even yesterday) – I found myself struggling with a question. I’ve mentioned a few times before that I’m a follower and believer of Christ, and this book delves into prayer, that we need to be passionate, that we need to repent, and that we need to ask for what we hope for in Christ. My biggest struggle with this is – ask as hard as we might but God, Jesus – he is not a genie.

I came to a realization that I was believing that “favor from the Lord” meant something positive. I would read the stories in the bible and see all the miracles God performed. I was wondering where’s the miracle in my life? Why am I still “suffering”. Better yet whats the purpose of long suffering? I was wondering of all the promises which ones apply to me, my family and friends? I asked my mom and her interpretation is different from what my boyfriend and I discussed.

These thoughts I wrestle with because when I look at my life, when I hear the testimonies of those around me – my story doesn’t look like theirs. And God didn’t work in my life the way He worked in theirs. I also believe we have a tendency to tell stories very differently than how we actually experience them.

We exaggerate, we get excited and all the stories end up sounding like a fairy tale. But what happens when you pray with all your might, and all your strength, and all your faith, believing that the outcome would be “favorable” or “good” in your eyes, yet nothing changes? The marriage in search of healing is still broken, the child in sickness and pain from disease or cancer isn’t healed, the family with financial distress didn’t get a turnaround – does this mean that God hasn’t shown His favor amongst these people? Is gods “favor” only seen as miracles and goos deeds? What if God’s answer to a prayer is no – then what? Do we lose faith and hope?

I really wish I recorded the call I had with my boyfriend today (we get into really deep discussions), but we concluded that God is sovereign, he does as He pleases and if he choses to heal or not heal I need to be ok with that. I know that what ever God decides is best for me – even if it means no healing.

A side note, the countdown from 165 to zero begins…

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