My Experience(s) with Grief in 2018

I remember when my uncle passed.

It was my introduction to grief and loss of a loved one. I don’t remember how old I was or the exact year – but I believe I was in the 7th or 8th grade. It was May, and the breaking news that my uncle had passed weighed on me.

I expereinced feeling angry because he’d promised me that when we got better he’d take me out for ice cream. but he never got better.

He passed away from lung cancer complications I’m sure. During his funeral we had to wear all white. I wore that outfit once and never again. I don’t remember going to see his body, but I do remember how much anguish and pain I saw from my mom and grandmother.

Marcel Was my grandmothers favorite son. We all know you shouldn’t have favorite, but you can tell he was her favorite because of how much shock she was in after his passing.

He was also my mom’s favorite brother. At least in my opinion. My experience was seeing people come and go to comfort the family as we were grieving, and a few months later the visits stop.

People stop checking in, they stop visiting, they move on. I think after that experience I secretely vowed I’d never go to another funeral unless it was a close and dear friend or family member.

So the next funeral I had been to was in 2014. One of my girlfriends lost her dad. January 5th, my uncle passed. Then My cousin passed on my birthday June 15th. I didn’t get to go to his funeral. Not grieve properly. We were out celebrating my 30th birthday. Most recently, one of my closest cousins whom I could really relate to about design, and God passed on October 19, 2018.

Last night he came up in a conversation and the question asked of me was, “what has his death taught you besides life is short?” It made me realize I am still privalegdeged to be here, I need to forgive myself of the wrong doings and past mistakes, ask for forgiveness and move forward in grace.

But sadness still lurkes in my heart. I am not choosing this sadness. I just feel heavy hearted. Displaced. Unhappy.

I went through Schuller’s facebook wall once more. Looking at all the birthday wishes. I wished him a happy birthday over the phone because at the time I was at a missions trip in Haiti.

It hurts. It hurts so bad, it feels like its not fair. Like Why God? Why couldn’t his testimony be like Jobs? And you know there’s this bigger thing happening where we – the youth – are all grieving differently – yet silently.

Personally I found myself trying to keep going. Keep creating, keep painting. But now? I’m feeling drained. I’m feeling like I don’t know where to search the good book. I go back to the verses and books that Schuller said he loved. I reflect back on his character. He was always positive, fully attentive, encouraging, a friend. We collaborated on a few projects together, and he mentioned time and time again for me to stop by when I had a free moment.

I didn’t. Work became the norm.

Maybe I’m experiencing regret. Heart ache? I am trying to keep my head up and #keeptruckin but it’s hard.

The heavyness comes in waves. Kind of like the ocean. it hits your feet and you feel a splash of cold, and when you look up you see a wave engulfing you into the endless blue abyss. Amazing people have that kind of impact. You missthem dealy when they’re gone.

The deep conversations, and the limitless amount of talent. RIP and RIH Schuller Ojentis, Principle Designer at SoDysne

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