Heavy Hearted

I went to bed fairly late last night interacting with people on Facebook for other challenges I’m taking part in. And then I woke up to what I thought I heard to be whimpering or crying. 

I thought I’d heard my mom crying and my heart sank. If my mom is crying then I know what’s next that grandmother has moved on.

I got out of bed to go and check to see if everything was ok. My mom wasn’t crying. I’m not sure if it was my subconscious mind playing tricks on me or if I was hearing someone or something outside my window.

Now I’m feeling heavy hearted. I  am at the point where I can’t bear to hear the words, and the anticipation of what I know is to come doesn’t make it any easier.

I over heard my mom talking about my grandmothers wounds- that it’s gotten worse and it’s spreading. I know my grandmother is suffering a great deal of pain. The inability to communicate with us and tell us what we can do to help make her better, the inability to at the very least adjust her own body and sit straight or be in a better position.

I know we ought not to question God, but I can’t help but wonder why this? Couldn’t she just go peacefully in her sleep from old age? Is that wishful thinking?

I remember talking to my mom once when she was sick, she told me to never put her in a nursing home. Nursing homes are known for being understaffed, over booked and only the people that consistently visit their elderly family get the proper care.

Seeing loved ones suffer is hard, difficult, challenging.

Rather than sulk and go down a pity party I decided to search WordPress and see if there’s anything I could stumble upon about Alzheimer’s. I found this guys post – he’s documenting what he’s going through! 

I read his last post and I can recall when my grandmother lost her speech. We could only understand a few words that came from her mouth. My mom always says that she can still understand us – now I know she was right.

As I read through this guys blog I am curious to know what are a few things we could have done differently. I have many questions like is he on medication, did he experience a point of shocking news – or is this hereditary. Should I expect my mom to get this? Will I get this? I guess its time for me to learn a bit more about this disease. I do remember digging on the internet and reading about what would happen. The progression for my grandmother has been slow. Its been ten years since she was diagnosed with this. My mom has her medical records so I am sure she knows everything that has happened like when she lost her speech, her ability to walk etc.

When I talk to other people that have experienced relatives with the same illness, it never ended well. I know if need to continue to focus on today and not try to predict the future.


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