feelings of inadequacy

Before I left for Haiti one of my financial supporters told me about how she felt called to do more Missions work. She was reading,  “40 Days of Purpose” by Rick Warren. I was excited for her because I recall my church going through that with small groups, however, at the time I was away in college.

I decided to pick up the audio book and go through the book. It gave insight about how to find your purpose and even more so why you shouldn’t feel purposeless. Yet here I am feeling like crap and like I’m not working up to my best potential.

I read articles from IDEO and see how they talk about embracing creativity, ambiguity, doing more and talking less – yet I continue to feel inadequate, and far from what they are looking for in a designer.

Especially after having a terrible review from my place of employment that made me feel like my character, and work ethic was less than.

Often times I consider returning to grad school, but I think about the expense that comes with it. I don’t want to be in debt all my life.

As a designer, it’s difficult to be confident when you have people constantly critiquing your work. It’s difficult to get beyond the criticism when it’s done in vain or to tear you down. Ultimately I want to know that the work I create glorifies Christ, and edifies those around me.

And yet I think even more, and I question and wonder am I thinking far too much about myself? I entered design because I believed it could change peoples lives. Yet it seems like such a difficult thing to do. I wanted this journey to take a year but I am seeing that is likely not going to be the case.

I hate feeling that one job can dictate where you head next in your career. It’s one of the main reasons I don’t believe in mixing pleasure with business.

Never have I been so doubtful and fearful to make a move in my life, feeling stuck and without a plan. My ambitions often feel too grand for this life.

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