feelings of inadequacy

Before I left for Haiti one of my financial supporters told me about how she felt called to do more Missions work. She was reading,  “40 Days of Purpose” by Rick Warren. I was excited for her because I recall my church going through that with small groups, however, at the time I was away in college.

I decided to pick up the audio book and go through the book. It gave insight about how to find your purpose and even more so why you shouldn’t feel purposeless. Yet here I am feeling like crap and like I’m not working up to my best potential.

I read articles from IDEO and see how they talk about embracing creativity, ambiguity, doing more and talking less – yet I continue to feel inadequate, and far from what they are looking for in a designer.

Especially after having a terrible review from my place of employment that made me feel like my character, and work ethic was less than.

Often times I consider returning to grad school, but I think about the expense that comes with it. I don’t want to be in debt all my life.

As a designer, it’s difficult to be confident when you have people constantly critiquing your work. It’s difficult to get beyond the criticism when it’s done in vain or to tear you down. Ultimately I want to know that the work I create glorifies Christ, and edifies those around me.

And yet I think even more, and I question and wonder am I thinking far too much about myself? I entered design because I believed it could change peoples lives. Yet it seems like such a difficult thing to do. I wanted this journey to take a year but I am seeing that is likely not going to be the case.

I hate feeling that one job can dictate where you head next in your career. It’s one of the main reasons I don’t believe in mixing pleasure with business.

Never have I been so doubtful and fearful to make a move in my life, feeling stuck and without a plan. My ambitions often feel too grand for this life.

Birthday Surprises

I was feeling salty.

Someone came up to me and asked me to sign a birthday card.

I signed it and wished the person a happy birthday. Yet all I thought about was me. My birthday was also last month. I didn’t get a card. ::sigh::

Oh well right?

It was time to leave and my Pastor Cousin wanted to ask me about the missions trip I have coming up (I leave this Friday), He asked about my expectations and I didn’t really have any. All I know is that it will be hot. How do you gage expectations of a place you’ve only heard extreames? 

But then…. the Leadership Ministry decided to bring out a cake and a birthday card. And I got my own ICE-CREAM CAKE!!!!! It was really a surprise and…..

It was really a surprise and bet – it’s fairly difficult to surprise my nosey ass…

Thank you to my crew.

Y’all are the best. Though we bicker like family we also try to be on the lookout for one another. 

Leadership, especially in the church setting is difficult and requires much sacrifice.

Thank you – I appreciate you.

Now I know I shouldn’t eat this all by myself….. who wants ice cream cake? 


The Resting B%*# Face

Are you guilty of this? Or is it more of a misinterpretation of facial expression? 

I must say that when people meet me they tell me about my smile. But when my face muscles are relaxed people ask me why I’m upset. I believe it’s a preconceived judgement – how do you know I’m not focused on some work? Or that my face is simply in its natural relaxed state? 

I read an article about additional misconceptions and you can read more about it here http://www.succeedsocially.com/lookangry

Since I’m aware about my features and how it can be taken the wrong way I try my best to give a smile. 

I’m not always successful at it but I promise you I’m not mad. 

Scarcity Mindset

I am often frustrated with myself.

Frustrated that I said yes when I knew I should have said no. Frustrated that the scarcity mindset took over and I was desperate. Frustrated that it often seems I have the short end of the stick. Yet people say to stay positive. There are moments of happiness and I am thankful for them, but I tend to stress over the small stuff.

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Simple Pleasures

Earlier this week I took a look at my nails only to see they were scuffed up from handling brown boxes and comping displays from my day job ( I am a package designer). For a moment I got really upset.

As I took a look at my gel cover nails, for a moment I got really upset. And then a thought crossed my mind, “even if you were at a salon this is nothing to get upset over.” 

I started thinking about how we go in for services from businesses operated by people, and we get upset over the mistakes that happen, or that we just aren’t satisfied and we ask for a change.

But having time to sit and get my nails done in the first place is a privilege. It’s a luxury in a sense. It surely isn’t a need, but it is certainly a simple pleasure.

The scuff marks and slow decrease of shine illuminating from my nails no longer mattered. There are people that will never get to enjoy the simple pleasure of nail polish. Some people are so concern about the world they live in that they forget the bounds of the world outside of them.

So frustration slowly turned into a moment of simple pleasure and gratitude.

What do you engage in as a simple pleasure?

Keep it clean.

Genuine Interest

There’s an art to having a really great conversation.

I believe it starts with genuine interest and curiosity in people.

When it comes to small talk, it’s difficult for me to engage in it because it often feels forced, surface level, and happens to fill time in awkward moments surrounded by people you don’t know.

This new generation has become glued to our phones, fearful of talking to people in person, and entirely impatient for important happenings to develop in life.

The genuine interest in people can be sensed and it pulls people to want to talk more about themselves as an exchange and not in a form of bragging.

During my accountability meeting today we discussed a few tactics we’ve been trying to gain freelance clients. I realize that the best clients will come from having genuine conversations – and yes business cards are still a thing in this digital world.

I’ve been engaging in conversation and forcing myself to get out there in front of people. It’s certainly stretching me and growing my thinking.

What ways have you engaged in genuine conversations beyond surface level talk of the weather?

Crunching Numbers

I came home from work today and I’ve been crunching numbers all evening. I realize I’ve been handling my finances all wrong.

Somehow I put my bills in front of my own personal needs.

I haven’t even been Tithing.

Over the past few days, I’ve been pushing my fine art work more. I even reached out to a few studios that offer private parties. I mean I have to make additional income just in case I don’t meet my mission fundraising goals. I’ve gotten rejection after rejection

Thus far I’ve gotten rejection after rejection. And then I made a promise in my heart.

If this art job works out I’ll start paying my tithes and give the entire first check from the painting to my church. Immediately after making the promise in my heart, I began to wonder what would happen if I disappointed God? If I failed at my promise? I figured I must be on the right path if this is where my thoughts are taking me.

I mentioned how I made some (bad choices) to help my mom financially and it’s put me in a tight space. I’ve decided it’s time to do better.

I wanted to know how to split up my finances and came across this calculator. I am trying this out this upcoming month because I’m tired of being at a disadvantage due to lack of proper implementation.

No one should have to pay for my financial mistakes and I really wish people in power cared enough to really empower communities faced at a disadvantage. What ever happened to giving back?

I intend to do better and share these things I am learning because being mad solves nothing. I have to do better.

Malachi 3:10 says:

Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD almighty, ” and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be enugh to store it.

Yet often we think of our bills first. Or the things we want versus the things we need. As I read through this article I decided to take notes and make a new list for my bill payments. I’m tired of not being able to make investments in myself and my immediate family due to financial issues.

Lastly, if you haven’t heard the latest interview on power 105.1 with the breakfast club, be sure to check it out.

Mixed Signals

Today is Haitian Mothers Day. I didn’t do much to celebrate other than bringing in a dish for my mom.

I didn’t do much to celebrate other than bringing in a dish for my mom.

I guess it was a little special because a few of my aunts and uncle came by to see my grandmother. I actually ran into my uncle on his way out the house.

I mentioned to him that I’d be going to Haiti and his wife was standing next to him and I got mixed signals from the two.

It’s like when you hear about a restaurant that your friends have gone to visit, a few people will say something like, “yes go and try it out – be sure to order the ribs,” and on the other hand you’ll get a friend that tells you, ” No just stay away from that place.”

I am getting mixed reviews and mixed signals.

Yes, Haiti is my uncles Country, he says there is nothing there to live off. Whereas his wife said no, there are beautiful places to visit and see, especially if you are going to the north. Either way, Haiti will never be home for me. Jersey is home for me like it or not, it’s home and just like any other state, it has its good places and the places you should just keep away from.

My uncle told me that if my Great grand uncle was going, I should have him show me where my mom and grandmother lived – basically their home. I think it would be interesting but I’d only be comparing to where I live.

I’m realizing that at the end of the day, it’s important for me to go and have my own experience. You can’t always go by other people’s reviews. Sometimes, you just have to experience it for yourself.