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A Dream I Had About My Grandma (day 25)

The other day I had a dream – no not like Martin Luther king jr. but one of my grandmother. She has been very ill will Alzheimer’s disease and she is far into the dementia stage.

It’s becoming difficult for her to swallow and her eyes have even more puss and crust. Her limbs are stiff and she is heavy in dead weight when you try to over her and rotate her. I had a dream that somehow her arms were waving at me. And she was laying down which didn’t make sense because when she is laying down her arms atrophied and are close together. When I took a closer look I realized that her limb between the connection of her hand and her arm were dismantled (horrified). Rather than take her to proper care my mom stitched and sewed that hand back on saying it will heal (WTF? Remember I am dreaming). 

I never told my mom this dream. Instead I am wondering what she – my mom – wants to hear from her mother. That if she could have one last conversation what would it be about? Sometimes I feel like my grandmother is waiting for my mom to tell her it’s ok to go on. My grandmother is 79 years old. She had eleven children and would never let you forget it.

If there is one thing I regret, it’s not visiting her homeland with her. You see my grandmother would tell me the craziest stories of “jaab” and “lougawou” so naturally any little kid is thinking fear what you don’t know. I’d have recorded more stories and videos, I’d have shown more patience when I realized you didn’t remember how to turn on the water in the bathtub or how to turn on the washing machine.

Grandma, I don’t know if you are about to leave us soon but I love you. You were the real og (old grandma) the nick name we gave you when we didn’t want you to know were we’re talking about you!!!

Your work ethic is unmatched – and used to annoy the hell outta us! YOu’d recite all the Bible verses before bed and when you awoke, you’d be up before the sun. Yes you were a proverbs 31 woman. You knew how to “foobie” all the dirt out of a white shirt and make it whiter than we bought it. “Fou dlo a keme’ ” the water needs suds you’d say.

You loved your coffee with “lait carnation” with a side of bread and peanut butter, and those killer eggs – thanks for the recipe.

I know you are still here with us now but I often wonder if you understand what we are saying. Does your soul still speak to us? Is it foolish to want to hear your voice once more?

I’ll never forget the day you wandered away and we didn’t know where you were. The way I found you was to think where would grandma go- where I would go – and that was aunty house down the block and around the corner. I was so happy I found you and that you were okay. It was late fall and it began to get colder out….

You were the peace maker in the family. Spoiled Joanne to pieces, with sweet juice and only she would know what else.

Thanks for coming to America and teaching us your native tongue cause I really don’t think mommy would have taught us.

It’s really hard to see you this way, especially knowing just how mobile you were. It makes no sense to ask God why or how because we know we will not get an answer. Only God know the lessons to this and the reasons and we have still yet to learn.

I pray your pain be less and that mom would be ready to let you go. I hope when you pass it’s not like Marcel. I can’t stand to see her cry that way…..

Grandma I love you we love you and when it’s your time to go I know God will say well done.

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